Which council offers wise counsel?

“Are you the Judean People’s Front?”

“Judean People’s Front. We’re the People’s Front of Judea!”

“The only people we hate more than the Romans are the f***ing Judean People’s Front.”
“And the Judean Popular People’s Front.”

“I thought we were the Popular Front.”
“People’s Front!”
“Whatever happened to the Popular Front?”
“He’s over there.”
“Splitter!”

For those of you old enough to remember the days before Islam supplanted Christianity as the number one religion you couldn’t offend, the above – albeit abridged- exchange will conjure up memories of 1979 and one of the funniest films ever made.

For all the hoo-hah kicked up by the church, however, Monty Python’s Life of Brian wasn’t so much a satirical swipe at their lord and saviour, so much as a dig at our biblical forebears.

It’s our anti-Roman antecedents with their zealotry and yearning for redemption that are the figures of fun.

And if the conversation above is anything to go by, not much has changed.

I was reminded of it this past weekend when the Battle of Bondi Beach erupted.

I was all set to recreate it in my living room and thought it would be quite simple. With my box of tin soldiers and my little pots of paint at the ready, I figured I’d paint one group blue and white, and the other group black, red, white and green.

But then I started to read the reports from the frontline and it appeared almost as complicated as the Battle of Waterloo,

where the troops that took on the French were variously from Britain, the Netherlands, Hanover, Nassau and Prussia.

In Bondi, on the pro-Israel side, you had StandWithUs, who distinguish themselves by not believing in spaces between words, the Australian Jewish Association, who to be clear are AN association of Australian Jews rather than THE  association of Australian Jews, as there are other associations you can belong to as an Australian Jew, and the Lions of Zion, who I presume take their name from the blessing Jacob bestowed on Judah rather than Rastafarianism and a song by Bob Marley.

On the other side was the usual band of pro-Palestinian activists led – as if there weren’t enough Jewish groups involved already – by Jews Against The Occupation. (Which occupation is not specified, but I hope it’s not postal workers – they have enough on their plate to worry about with people using email and other delivery services.)

So that’s just four Jewish groups. And we haven’t even scratched the surface of all the other organisations that purport in varying degrees to speak for the community.

Did you know, (and this is a fact, except it isn’t), that if you laid all the Jewish organisations in Australia end to end they would reach to the moon and back three times?
Also, the ratio of Jews to Jewish organisations in Australia is six to one. Now I’m no mathematician, but if you say there are around 117,000 Jews in Australia (that’s according to the 2021 census), then statistically for every six Jews in the country, there’s one Jewish organisation, so that’s 19,500 Jewish organisations.
Between you and me, none of that is true … but if it were, it would be a truly staggering figure.

Ok, let’s talk tachlis.

The Jewish community in Australia has an inordinate number of councils. For starters, there’s the self-declared Jewish Council of Australia whose website lists a less than staggering 1,179 supporters, almost 300 of whom are so committed to the council’s values that they’re anonymous. So that’s less than one per cent of the Jewish population who are prepared to identify as supporters. And little wonder given their views are anathema to those held by the overwhelming majority of us. That means, we can ignore them – shame the media doesn’t.
Then there’s the Executive Council of Australian Jewry. Now, let’s be clear. Being a member of the Executive Council does not give you access to the Executive Lounge on the 14th floor with it’s all-day buffet and free wi-fi. But it’s a lot more legit than the aforementioned Jewish malcontents, given it’s the peak body of all the state peak bodies who themselves are elected by dozens and dozens of Jewish organisations in each state.

Now these state peak bodies are variously called Community Councils – yes, more councils … or Boards of Deputies. Which brings us back to Bob Marley, who assures me he did not shoot any of the deputies, only the sheriff. (By the way, and completely off topic, Bob Marley’s father was halachically Jewish, but that’s another story.)

Okay, moving on, you have yet more councils – State Zionist Councils, which are like the State Community Councils but, given their name, are more overtly open in this day and age to public opprobrium, as undeserved as it may be.

To avoid further confusion, thankfully, the peak body of these State Zionist Councils is not the Executive Council of Australian Zionists – it’s the Zionist Federation of Australia.

So what’s a federation? Well, having just investigated the Jewish heritage of Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford, my online AI search tells me that the federation is “a powerful and wealthy megacorporation that controls much of the galaxy’s interstellar trade and shipping, led by the Neimoidians”.

No, I’ve never heard of the Neimoidian family either. But they must live in Toorak or Vaucluse … or Naboo.
(See, I don’t just make dated jokes about old movies like Life of Brian. I also have more up-to-date references like Star Wars.)
Right, we’re running out of space (space … Star Wars … geddit? That’s a bonus one), so I need to crack on. More councils looking out for us … the Australia Israel & Jewish Affairs Council. Now it’s not clear whether Jewish affairs means functions like a simcha or fundraiser, or whether it’s Jewish affairs like Carrie Fisher had with Harrison Ford (see what I did there?).

But either way, they’re another top team talking truth to power.

It doesn’t end there, though. There are Rabbinical Councils in NSW & Victoria, as well as a federal Rabbinical Association, who have all been known to step outside their shules to comment on political matters.

And then there’s a guy with a Gestetner (another one for the ‘70s crowd) who’s a champ at churning out press statements. But he’s more a one-man band than a council.

The list goes on. We haven’t even touched on the Australian Jewish Democratic Society, the New Israel Fund or countless other communal interest groups.

In short, too often, it’s not a question of who speaks for us as who doesn’t? But don’t be fooled. And I’m not simply saying this to us, I’m saying it to the mainstream media as well. Just because an organisation has given itself a fancy title suggesting it has some degree of authority does not necessarily mean it actually has any degree of authority.

And I should know. As founding president of the Association of Jewish Australian Councils, or is it the Council of Jewish Australian Associations, I think I speak for us all.

if you are interested, I understand that the pro-Palestinian gathering was organised by Jews for Palestine and the pro-Israel gathering by StandWithUs.